June 30, 2006


There's this Disney cartoon I remember from childhood-it's a park ranger in charge of all these bears. The bears need a bit of convincing to play tidy up the nursery, so he sings this song-"First you pick it up, put it in the bag BUM BUM! That's the way we play the game..."

For some reason, I can't get that song out of my head.

Not sure why...

Perhaps it has something to do with the Buserelin shots I start tonight. "First you suck it in, stick it in your thigh BUM! BUM!"....

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June 27, 2006

Kick-Off at 0900

Today I am off to work, and since I am off to work I'm going to swing by the hospital and pick up my meds. I kick off my FET on Friday, with the Lupron injections.

Honestly? I am looking forward to the Lupron. No really. I am looking forward to just proceeding with the IVF, for one thing. Sitting around waiting for periods to happen is about as much fun as giving Simon Cowell a blow job, at least with the start of something you feel like you can dust off your knees and tell Simon to go walkies.

(Not like I would ever give Simon Cowell a blow job.)

(Really, I really wouldn't.)

The other reason I am looking forward to the Lupron is that it will enable me to cry. Seriously. On Lupron I cry at yellow pages commercials. I cry at bad Marissa Tomei films. I cry all the time. And I haven't cried since finding out our last round of IVF was negative-the water works just stopped. No tears here, Senors and Senoritas. I am dead inside-dead I say!

The tears, they will be welcome.

As will just beginning it all. I know Lupron isn't all that fun, but the worst I had was the crying jags, the hot flashes, and the bloat. It could be worse, I could be a banshee too, but I was only that on the Suprecur. With Lupron I can just be menopausal as opposed to homicidal.

Aidan's family came by this weekend, along with pregnant sister-in-law. I didn't really speak to her about it (I just couldn't.) They asked us about our bonuses (we both made a killing on them this year, I am so pleased.) Aidan said he had to spend money on blocked drains-the house drains need a professional to come in and get things moving.

Thinking of my upcoming £1000 FET bill, I smiled and said the same thing.

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June 21, 2006

Hurry-This Offer WILL Expire!

*Adjusts microphone/earpiece and feels very cool, much like fighter pilot without all that icky G-force business*

Can you hear me on this?

*Adjusts microphone again*

Now? You can? There in the back? Great. Welcome, ladies! My name is Vanessa and I will be here to present this incredible opportunity. Thank you for tuning in, this is an exciting and important offering and I JUST KNOW that you wouldn't want to miss it. It's the most exciting thing to hit infertility in ages, not since the invention of KY has the gynecological community been so excited. Or....er...no pun intended.

Now, I bet you're wondering what we have on offer here, right ladies? Well, what if I told you that we have infertility issues solved, that you will never need IVF again? Simmer down, ladies. LADIES! Stop shouting. And you, over there! The one on the Lupron, the one with the bad spots and the sobbing! Yes, you! Put that needle down and listen up, ok? And stop choking your husband, I know you're cranky but this will be worth it!

We have discovered a remarkable and incredible new technology in the fertility community that is about to change your lives. Really. It's amazing. No more needles, ladies. No more patches. No more two week waits or IUIs. Here in Planet Vanessa Laboratories we have discovered the cure to infertility.

We are planning to package the details but let me tell you the gist of it.


Go to Expedia.Com.

Click "Find a Flight".

Book a flight to London. What's that? Oh no, it doesn't matter. Heathrow or Gatwick are both fine.

Get on the flight.

Move near me.


*Crickets chirp.*

What, you don't understand? OK, this is simple. We at Planet Vanessa Laboratories have discovered the cure to infertility. The cure? Are you ready for this, ladies? REALLY READY? The cure is this: move near me. No really! It's as simple as that! You heard me right, you there with the PIO needle attempting to re-enact Pulp Fiction on that bitch next to you having the hot flashes! Just move near me and in no time you can kiss your infertility troubles goodbye, you'll get knocked up good and proper!

See, as witness testimony will support, every single member of my project team has had a baby in the short duration that I have worked with them. We may not always deliver technology projects on time, but we can split heads out the snatches of partners BANG ON TIME! No it's true-their testimonial is included in the price! And my good-for-nothing sister with advanced endometriosis? Why yes,she's knocked up! And many of my former neighbors have gone on to enjoy stints on popular shows like "Guess What's In the Oven?" and "Is That a Baby In There, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?". And people I bump into on the street mysteriously start sprouting within no time. And just today-just today, ladies!-my sister-in-law has announced her pregnancy.

You see?

It's AMAZING! The track record is incredible! There is no expiration date to this wonderful offer-after all, all of my ex-husband's friends got knocked up too, including the one who said she didn't want any and the one doing IVF. So the truth is here! Get those passports and those credit cards ready, operators are standing by!

For this one time only, we will offer it at a special offer price of just $19.99* and if you purchase it now, we will throw in "John Denver Presents the Pan Flute" at absolutely no additional cost! You can be reading about your new neighborhood near me while relaxing to such sultry pan flute tunes as Rocky Mountain High as soon as tomorrow! Order your baby brochure TODAY!

*Valid in the continental U.S. and Puerto Rico. Some additional charges may apply.

Posted by Vanessa at 05:56 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

June 19, 2006

One Chicken, Two Chickens, Three....No Bugger Off, I'm Counting the Eggs Here

So I got my treatment plan (in exciting IVF terms, this is called a protocol. It makes me think of Japanese businessmen for some reason, as though I should take a business card in both hands. Not sure why I equate embryos with Japanese businessmen but I assure you it has nothing to do with sushi.)

My protocol is:

- Start Buserelin shots 30 June (yippee! Hot flashes! Endless tears! I can't wait!)

- Ring in Bastille Day with Progynova tablets (And I will eat cake, too!)

- Increase progynova dosage on 20 July (I have no memory of what the tablets did to me last time, so this should be interesting).

- Scan again last week of July.

- Start cycolgest on 30 July.

- Transfer 1st week of August.

- Bop around in state of potential pregnancy until middle of August.

We haven't decided how many to thaw, if we should wipe out the whole batch in one go (although any embryos we don't use they'll attempt to proceed to blastocyst, which they can then freeze. Blastocysts are like the teenage version of embryos, complete with pink punk hairdos.) We are fairly certain we will implant two in this FET, especially since the chances are so low anyway (and since we're feeling quite Greek still maybe they'll let us throw the empty petri dishes into the fireplace. I'll check on that one.)

But the whopper came when we got the bill. That's right-we'd forgotten we had to pay for this. Welcome to my world, where I can be a perky size 6 and have the sparkling intelligence of a West Wing writer. So I am lining up a fun tab of £1000 to send off to the hospital shortly. Luckily, we are due to get bonuses the end of this month, so I should have said monies to send over.

It better had do-with the Greek trip, the cost of this FET, and my two+ year-old iPod finally dying (it involved shots of epi, frantic screams of "Clear! Up to 200 joules!" and battery replacements. Sadly, the little fucker just didn't make it.) I had to get a new iPod (yes, this was a "had to". I have to have an iPod. So my £200 black 30GB video iPod arrives tomorrow, where I will drop to my knees and worship it.) The bonus, she is already spent and I don't even know how much I am getting.


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June 15, 2006

And In the "You're Burning In Hell Category..."

Even though we told them (repeatedly) that we didn't want to know, the nurse let it slip.

The woman who received 9 of my eggs? The one who probably waited as eagerly as I did, the one who went through the process with me? The woman who I thought much of in the beginning of the process, but of whom I silently said a prayer and a "Love you, babe, but you're on your own from here on" the day they divided up the Easter Eggs? The donee who fertilized and implanted on the same day I did? The one who probably knows just how much it sucks to be infertile (as opposed to being fertile enough to drop children like Lincolnshire sausages, I guess)?

She didn't get pregnant either.

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June 14, 2006

What the Doctor Ordered

My period started on Monday, which is remarkably 4 days late (this, for me, the chick with 26 day cycles. I blame the hormonal mess my body has been on. I certainly don't blame the Greek vino.) The period was good in that it meant days of lots of bedroom action, and we did that in spades.

The holiday, it was good for us.

We have come back and we remember who the other person is. I think we forgot for a little while, in the stress and fear. I remember every moment of him now, and if the love is any indication, then he recalls me as well. Although it was my third IVF it was our first one as a couple, and Aidan would rather we view the 3rd round as the 1st as it's him and I in this together now. So we will, and the first round has shown us both how hard IVF is, but the learning curve has at last been explored.

We shall kick off our first frozen embyo transfer on July 3.

And I am rested, relaxed, and ready.

Posted by Vanessa at 04:15 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

June 05, 2006

We Were On a Break!

The official stats as issued by my clinic-the 16% are indeed for transfers. That's the pure number I'm looking for, that James Bond do-it-or-die number. 16%.

That's do-able, right?

I mean, if you Google "16 percent", you get a lot of things-16-percent of computer users are unaffected by viruses, malware because they use Apple Macs. Median total compensation at 350 top companies rises [to] 16%. US Food Consumption Up 16 Percent Since 1970.

And the weird one-16% of mothers say they are “somewhat” satisfied in their role as a mother.


We'll see.

My period should start this week, and if memory serves after a failed cycle it should be a Carrie-worthy avalanche. I have no less than 4 boxes of tampons and a pack of back-up overnight pads ready and waiting (a usual period goes through 2-3 boxes. I honestly do go through that many tampons per cycle. Why yes, my life does suck, how's yours?)

But on the not-so-suck front, my nice boy has arranged for us to go away. As we rode the train back home nearly a month ago, a failed test and a business event behind us, he asked if maybe I'd like to go away with him. With a smile he said that we can't do this every time, if we face that monster known as You're On The Wrong Side of the Stats Everytime, Babe. But this time, our first IVF round together? We need to get away.

So we leave tomorrow for Santorini and Crete, and by the time we come back Tuesday the 13th, I'll have had my period and we'll be in countdown phase for our FET cycle (aka "Jesus Fuck Why Didn't Someone Tell Us It'll Cost US £1000?"), which should commence the last or second to the last week in June.

See you next Tuesday.

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June 02, 2006


Yesterday we went to see the RE to discuss our options, as my period should start next week and then 21 days from then the IVF party gets started! Whoo! I'm making balloon animals, come on in!

One of the things we brought up was the possibility of doing a fresh cycle over a frozen cycle. They told us they'd ring us back today, and they did. We have to do our frozen cycle first, which has many issues, the biggest of two being:

1) We may blow our entire stash of frozen embryos to just get two good ones that thaw

2) The success rate is only 16.2%


But then the nurse dropped a bombshell-we maybe won't be able to have another fresh donor cycle at all. If my FET fails, I have to have a discussion with the head doctor and the egg share program coordinator, as it's not as certain as I once thought it was that I would get two donor cycles. As I had a fresh cycle in Sweden that didn't result in a pregnancy (if a few days pregnancy can count, which apparently it doesn't) and as I didn't get pregnant this past fresh cycle, then the concern is that I potentially won't be able to get pregnant.

That maybe my eggs are no good.

That maybe my donee days are over as I am not such a good candidate.

But-says the nurse-don't panic! Just get pregnant on the FET, then we won't have to worry or get to that discussion!

Right. Because it's that easy! Why didn't I think of that?

But now the floor has fallen out beneath me.

And I am in a blind panic.

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