*Adjusts microphone/earpiece and feels very cool, much like fighter pilot without all that icky G-force business*
Can you hear me on this?
*Adjusts microphone again*
Now? You can? There in the back? Great. Welcome, ladies! My name is Vanessa and I will be here to present this incredible opportunity. Thank you for tuning in, this is an exciting and important offering and I JUST KNOW that you wouldn't want to miss it. It's the most exciting thing to hit infertility in ages, not since the invention of KY has the gynecological community been so excited. Or....er...no pun intended.
Now, I bet you're wondering what we have on offer here, right ladies? Well, what if I told you that we have infertility issues solved, that you will never need IVF again? Simmer down, ladies. LADIES! Stop shouting. And you, over there! The one on the Lupron, the one with the bad spots and the sobbing! Yes, you! Put that needle down and listen up, ok? And stop choking your husband, I know you're cranky but this will be worth it!
We have discovered a remarkable and incredible new technology in the fertility community that is about to change your lives. Really. It's amazing. No more needles, ladies. No more patches. No more two week waits or IUIs. Here in Planet Vanessa Laboratories we have discovered the cure to infertility.
We are planning to package the details but let me tell you the gist of it.
Ready?
Go to Expedia.Com.
Click "Find a Flight".
Book a flight to London. What's that? Oh no, it doesn't matter. Heathrow or Gatwick are both fine.
Get on the flight.
Move near me.
*Pause.*
*Crickets chirp.*
What, you don't understand? OK, this is simple. We at Planet Vanessa Laboratories have discovered the cure to infertility. The cure? Are you ready for this, ladies? REALLY READY? The cure is this: move near me. No really! It's as simple as that! You heard me right, you there with the PIO needle attempting to re-enact Pulp Fiction on that bitch next to you having the hot flashes! Just move near me and in no time you can kiss your infertility troubles goodbye, you'll get knocked up good and proper!
See, as witness testimony will support, every single member of my project team has had a baby in the short duration that I have worked with them. We may not always deliver technology projects on time, but we can split heads out the snatches of partners BANG ON TIME! No it's true-their testimonial is included in the price! And my good-for-nothing sister with advanced endometriosis? Why yes,she's knocked up! And many of my former neighbors have gone on to enjoy stints on popular shows like "Guess What's In the Oven?" and "Is That a Baby In There, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?". And people I bump into on the street mysteriously start sprouting within no time. And just today-just today, ladies!-my sister-in-law has announced her pregnancy.
You see?
It's AMAZING! The track record is incredible! There is no expiration date to this wonderful offer-after all, all of my ex-husband's friends got knocked up too, including the one who said she didn't want any and the one doing IVF. So the truth is here! Get those passports and those credit cards ready, operators are standing by!
For this one time only, we will offer it at a special offer price of just $19.99* and if you purchase it now, we will throw in "John Denver Presents the Pan Flute" at absolutely no additional cost! You can be reading about your new neighborhood near me while relaxing to such sultry pan flute tunes as Rocky Mountain High as soon as tomorrow! Order your baby brochure TODAY!
*Valid in the continental U.S. and Puerto Rico. Some additional charges may apply.
Posted by Vanessa at June 21, 2006 05:56 PM | TrackBackAh, Vanessa. Much as that bites, it was a great bloody post, you know. Looks like you'll be only a week or so behind me. My transfer - my first, eek - will be at the very end of July.
Posted by: Meg at June 25, 2006 11:07 AMIf I thought it would work, I'd grab that plane ticket. I'd be cheaper than IVF and I'd get to meet the fabulous YOU (I'm sure you are way cuter than my RE).
Posted by: jenny at June 22, 2006 07:00 PMI feel for you. Although we have finally succeeded, for months I lived in constant fear of the announcements of all my friends. All those friends with their ooops he forgot to pull out and now I'm pregnant and their yeah, we went off the pill just this month... who knew it would happen so soon!!
Hang in there!! Hopefully your day will come soon!!
Posted by: Heather at June 22, 2006 05:46 PMoh lord, i hate it when that happens. i live in fear. my sil is big into the empire waists right now, and i just cringe every time she opens her mouth. plus my best friend is acting suspicious.
good luck being supportive. i know you can do it.
Posted by: newbie at June 22, 2006 05:43 PM"attempting to re-enact Pulp Fiction on that bitch next to you having the hot flashes!"
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAAHAHAHA