Twisted Ovaries

Continuation of Today

The spotting dissipated overnight.

This morning, the flush out of the leftover Beaver Bullet pushed more out-it was definitely dark brown, slightly stringy and mucus-y (and aren't you SO GLAD you checked in on this site just after eating that bowl of yogurt? Hmm? Aren't you?)

It seems to have disappeared now.

My body continues to feel like a foreign body to me-things feel strange inside of me-I have intermittent cramps that come and go. My stomach feels tight, like it's done too many sit-ups. The nausea abated yesterday morning but has come back. Strangely, Aidan had a hunk of Cheddar out yesterday and I wanted some, but then felt queasy at the idea. My boobs aren't sore or vein-y, but then they wouldn't be-my breast reduction 13 years ago removed nearly all of the glands, pregnancy should likely not affect them at all. But inside, I feel...funny.

I keep telling myself it's the drugs that do it, as the worst thing in the world is to report back next week: Yup! It was all in my head. I'm just that crazy.

The funny thing is, Friday night when I had the book club I stood by the sink rinsing out freshly shelled peas, and when I looked up at the window I gripped the side of the sink and the thought smacked me so clear in my head: It worked. This time, it worked. I know it did. I don't know where that thought came from, and the cynical side of me, the one that believes Santorini couples will break up and IVF is an exercise of sobbing in the bathtub, rushed to shush the inner voice, lest someone hear it.

But in the midst of the obsessive panty checking last night (and I'm wearing white granny panties today, and I do not apologize for that-granny panties mean maximum white cotton exposure so I can monitor the outflow from the hooch at all times today) I stood by the sink, rinsing out my glass, when the thought came back: It's working. Calm down, it's all ok.

I spend lots of time by the kitchen sink now.

I don't know if this round will work or not. It's true there will be another round if it doesn't, but I'm not sure if we'll cycle right away or wait to clear the holidays and the family holiday we always take with Aidan's kids in February/March-in which case, I'll either be cycling in October, or cycling in April again. It's true there will be more rounds, but that will be my third (fifth) IVF round by then, and April feels like a long fucking time to wait.

Somehow, I remain positive. I rang the hospital this morning like a fucking novice-Hi, I've only been through this several times? Yeah? And I have brown mucus-y spotting when I wipe (seriously, didn't that just make you want to push that cup of coffee away?) and what does it mean, is it serious? Of course, in IVF-land everything is a guess sometimes. The RE said it's either: left-over blood just now making an appearance from the transfer or one embryo could be implanting. She said a period, were one coming, would be closer to the time of the pregnancy test.

Last night I dreamt of embryos implanting. Both implanted, but in my dream it was clear only one of them was going to make it. They both looked other-worldly, like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. But the dream was so real and so complete, I find even my cynical "God, in a week you're going to look like a fucking asshole" shuts up about it, and simply regards the Dr. Seuss baby with awe.

I stand by the kitchen sink.

Posted by Vanessa at August 10, 2006 09:00 AM | TrackBack