My fucking period is late. Me, Miss My Period Is Always Early Frequently Insensitive and Incredibly Long (it's a long title. Friends call me MMMPIAEFIAIL. You should see my Amex card.) And as anyone going through infertility treatment can tell you, a late period does not equal girly screams and the frantic unwrapping of home pregnancy tests. When going through treatment, a late period equals "FUCK this is going to impact the treatment schedule."
My period is late.
Depression is beginning to set in and I don't know why. I've looked at a few sites about adoption-Aidan has been against it as he refuses to pay the high fees as he feels they're "buying a baby" (which I understand). From the start, he also said he will only go through one route-either IVF or adoption, and as IVF was his preference, then that's the route we took. I personally am beginning to think that if life still looks this bleak after my FET, or one more fresh, then maybe it's time to break out the solicitor.
Agreeing that with him is another matter.
I got an email from Caltech Girl about talking it through with him, and he and I did just that. I'm not sure he understands my position-he, after all, is a father. But at least we are trying. Talking about fertility treatment is a difficult subject in our house-in the past it has gone horribly wrong. It's important for us both to keep avenues open, to not have "forbidden" subjects.
As Caltech Girl said-so what if I am obsessed? As Aidan said-you are obsessed. Slowly, I am wondering if I do have a mild obsession, kind of like a Diet Cherry Coke addiction, in which the caffeine is needed. Maybe being a mother is my caffeine.
Ah, well. It's raining and there's a little stepson (why do I not feel like a legit stepmother? Mostly because we're not married, and this sometimes makes me feel like Aidan's family are aware of this. Might be paranoia. No seriously, stop looking at me like that.) who wants to both fire up the Sims on this pc and play with his new remote control airplane. Me and my choked up anti-bleeding uterus need to go cheer the fuck up and crash a remote airplane a few times.
A late period at the start of a cycle almost seems like a given. The only time we don't get our period is when we want it - it's a trend that starts in the teen years.
You are a STEPMOM, please don't feel any different. My hubbie and I just got married after 7yrs of being together and the kids mom/boyfriend are not married. I am no more the "stepmom" then he is the "stepdad". That being said, I will probably not feel like a legit mom until I have my own. I need to be mom, not just stepmom.
Posted by: just another jenny at July 11, 2006 04:36 PMWhat Margi said. Keep hugging each other, keep loving each other, keep reaching out. If you stop doing that, there's nothing left.
I wonder if it's the same for guys, do they WANT to be a father the way we want to be a Mom from as early as we can remember? Maybe that's part of his problem in understanding where you are coming from.
I'm sending all the love and cheery thoughts I possibly can. Enjoy the airplane crashes. That sounds like a blast!
Posted by: caltechgirl at July 10, 2006 08:45 PMWe have the same, buy the baby/adoption conversation. DH is still in denial that we won't be able to have kids through normal means. He is so not into spending $$ on IF. I like what you said about having no taboo topics. We need to give that a try because it's so tempting and easy to just ignore the elephant in the room. I just wish it were a baby in the room instead of a stinkin' elephant.
Posted by: Lassie at July 10, 2006 06:48 PMI'm sending you all my love and healing light. These are those "bumps in the road" we all hear about.
Hug each other.
Love each other.
You will survive.
And -- like CTG says -- so what if you're obsessed. There are worse things. You know?
All my love,
M
I think you are right, in that his perspective is bound to be different than yours because he already has children. I very much disagree with him on the 'buying a baby' perspective, but of course it's his right to not want to choose adoption to build your family. I hope you two are able to agree on another avenue if IVF doesn't work for you two. However, I am not going to stop hoping and saying a little prayer for you that it will.
Posted by: Polichick at July 10, 2006 03:31 PMMaybe I should temper that with saying I know not all children who need families were unwanted, it just fit better with my metaphor if I put it that way.
Posted by: amy t. at July 10, 2006 03:04 PMI don't get him. I know very few people on the planet that can leave the pet store or shelter not regretting that they can't take home some of the animals. Unwanted animals break hearts. So why would anyone be so firmly against adoption. At the most basic level, what are orphanages other than shelters for the unwanted?
Posted by: amy t. at July 10, 2006 03:04 PM