Twisted Ovaries

Mindful

The medicine goes on. I still have few side effects. My first scan is next week, and I feel neither positive nor negative about that.

I haven't been reading many blogs lately, IVF-related or otherwise. I haven't been to bulletin boards, and I haven't told a single soul in our lives that we are going through the next round. I suppose in some ways I just feel like I need to go through this myself. One site I do try to read is Thalia's, and she recently had a post about chances. It lays claim to something that is rapidly becoming a huge fear for me-what if it never happens.

I have had two fresh cycles. The first one was positive, but only just. The second never did. I had one frozen transfer in Sweden with one egg transferred-I never for one moment thought that one would work, and it didn't. I'm heading towards my second FET, and although I know that it is being done properly and correctly and I'm hoping to fuck it works, I'm mindful of the lowered success rates.

I know I should view our recent failed IVF round as my first one and in general I do, but a corner of my mind nags at me that I haven't been successful so far. And when I think of the failure I just had, it is indeed tempered with a gobbling sound that is my voice-"Yeah but, but, but we only transferred ONE because of Aidan's insistence!" and "Yeah, but, but, but we spent almost the entire 2ww SCREAMING at each other, which can't be good!"

Maybe those are excuses.

Maybe the truth is, it's just not going to happen.

Maybe, maybe not.

It doesn't happen for some people. Perhaps your first urge is to say "It WILL happen, I just know it!" But it doesn't always happen, and it doesn't happen to lots of perfectly deserving couples.

Aidan said yesterday that he thinks IVF and babies are all I think of, but that's actually not the case. My life is full of daily observations and thoughts about everything, from babies to gardens to shoes. IVF is not something I am obsessed with, the shots are just a part of my day, not unlike the first glass of juice I drink or the dog walks I take. He also told me yesterday that he doesn't want to go through this IVF business much longer, but I can see that I have two fresh cycles and the frozens that go with them in me.

When those are done and if there are no cradles in the house, it may be time to confront The Future.

The Future.

The Future of always being just a person. Just a person. Just a sort of stepmom (I'm not even a legitimate one of those). Just someone who someday is sort of a step-grandma (still, not legitimate). Just someone who will spend her end years alone, because the man she loves dearly is 12 years older than her, because she has no family left, because she has few friends.

I think if Aidan knew what it felt like to be just a sort of stepmom for the rest of my life, maybe he'd understand how completely and utterly terrifying The Future really is.

I don't think about The Future.

It's much too hard to think about a childless future without one single image coming to mind-that of the mother that Alison Janney played in American Beauty. She sat in a spotless dinging room, staring at the wall, out of it.

When I think of The Future, if The Future is childless, that's how I feel.

So I do have my sense of humor about me. I approach IVF as just a part of my day, as the want to be a mother is just a part of me, much like my wants to be Wonder Woman and to lose 20 lbs. I will keep going through this process as it doesn't own me, but it does help me try to get to where I am.

And I am mindful that we can't keep trying forever.

I am mindful that adoption is likely not going to work for us for various reasons.

I am mindful that The Future is a possibility, but I will remain positive and hopeful, for my sake, for our sake, for the sake of a thick lining and prayers to various gods.

It is supposed to be so easy.

Posted by Vanessa at July 7, 2006 08:58 AM | TrackBack