I’ve been thinking a lot about you, about what it’s like where you are, how it feels, how you are. I think of the world like the story of the Guff, in which there are millions and millions of souls floating around, waiting to find the right place to go, the right baby to be born in. I wonder about this as I wonder what I can do to make sure you know that if you choose to stick around, your life will be one filled with wonder, adventure, and love. I've had a quiet list in my head of the things I can promise you in your life:
If you let me be your mother I will look at you with shining eyes.
If you let me be your mother I will smell the top of your head every time I hug you.
If you let me be your mother I will sometimes be strict, as I want your life to have structure and support.
If you let me be your mother I will attend every school play, concert, and sporting event and I will be the one with the great big smile as I will be uncontrollably proud of you.
If you let me be your mother I will believe in you every step of the way.
If you let me be your mother we will make chocolate chip cookies and I’ll always let you lick the bowl.
If you let me be your mother I will exclaim over every picture you draw, and will have a rotation of them hanging on my wall in my office to remind me of what a gift you are.
If you let me be your mother I will blow on your skinned knees and always have Band-Aids with ridiculous characters on them.
If you let me be your mother I will sit down and watch the Disney movies with you, and I will love them as much as you do.
If you let me be your mother I will make sure you see the world, because when you see the world you understand how to act with love, care and compassion.
If you let me be your mother I will soothe the bad dreams and make sure the monsters under the bed are chased away.
If you let me be your mother I will worry endlessly the first time you go on a date.
If you let me be your mother I will do everything I can to provide you with a solid, comforting past so that your future can have so many options and hopes and dreams.
If you let me be your mother I will make mistakes, but when I make them I will apologize and work to never make the same mistakes again.
If you let me be your mother we can eat popsicles in the sun and wonder why the sky is blue.
If you let me be your mother you will have fantastic Christmases and three sets of grandparents, as well as a few great-grandparents. There may be some of my family that you will never meet but the love you will get from all of the others will more than compensate.
If you let me be your mother I will never move you constantly, I will never degrade you, and I will never wish I'd never had you.
If you let me be your mother you will be my miracle and I will love you so fiercely that you won’t regret jumping from the pool of souls into the here and now.
This list is not endless, sweetie. I think about you all the time. I really want you to stay and I will work so very hard to be the mother that you need, to be the kind of mother I never had.
If you will just let me be your mother...
Posted by Vanessa at May 3, 2006 08:17 AM | TrackBackI'm hoping so very hard that you get the chance to do all of these things.
Posted by: Donna at May 4, 2006 01:45 AMSo very beautifully said.
Posted by: Jennifer at May 3, 2006 11:12 PMOnce again, you said all that needed to be said...perfectly.
Posted by: Ornery at May 3, 2006 09:45 PMSave this. Whichever little starry eyed dreamer that comes along will want to hear you read it someday.
hugs and kisses!
Posted by: caltechgirl at May 3, 2006 08:21 PMThat made me weepy! I hope you'll get your wish.
Posted by: fisher queen at May 3, 2006 03:09 PMSobbing uncontrollably here. Shame on you. :-)
Seriously, that was just lovely. I'm still sitting here with everything crossed for you.
Posted by: donna at May 3, 2006 01:07 PMOh well, I was going to cry at my computer screen first thing in the morning anyway. You said what heart has been feeling. What a beautiful post.
Posted by: jenny at May 3, 2006 12:19 PMHi Vanessa, I just stumbled here via someone-or-other's links. I like your blog a lot - very pretty, and well written to boot (!) Best of "luck" to both (all?) of you in your 2ww. I'll be back to check in. Meg x
Posted by: Meg at May 3, 2006 11:09 AM