Meredith: Hi, this is Meredith, and I’m here with Bob to bring you live up-to-date coverage of Vanessa’s 2 week wait!
Bob: That’s right, the action is about to get going and we’re here above the bleachers to witness the parade of symptoms that Vanessa is undergoing. Meredith, it’s nice to be here on this crisp early Summer morning! You look different, have you had any work done lately?
Meredith: Thank you Bob. No work, just the waxing, but let’s hope our viewers don’t see any of that, shall we?
Bob: I couldn’t agree more, Meredith! Now, the parade is just starting off! Let’s see what’s kicking off with Vanessa.
Meredith: Well Bob, we have the bloat going on here, I’m afraid. She’s suffering some pretty major swelling around the midriff actually.
Bob: Yes, we do have a bit of the Michelin man syndrome, I’m afraid. Although the doctor did say that her body still had to absorb the 19 enormous follicle sacs after the eggs were removed, it looks like this parade has a little more bloat going on than just the follicles, doesn’t it?
Meredith: Well spotted, Bob. I see someone has finally been reading the editor’s notes that come with the job, instead of using them as a coaster for that morning glass of whiskey, eh?
Bob: Whatever Meredith. Next on the parade circuit here we have the breast tenderness! That’s right-touch those boobs and she’s likely to stab you with a pencil!
Meredith: And some people would rightfully deserve it! Next up-the complete lack of cream cheese goodness in the knickers. The lining, she is at least staying in place I see.
Bob: That’s good, because there’s no way that Aidan’s going to be snacking at the snack bar with the snail trail going on.
Meredith: And next in the parade-incredible cramping!
Bob: Indeed! They’re even stronger than the usual period cramps that a woman has.
Meredith: What the hell, Bob. How would you know about periods, you fat balding petroleum bastard?
Bob: Someone’s on the rag, aren’t they?
Meredith: Bugger off, Bob. We also have the special guest of gas! That’s right-she can trumpet like a crumpet!
Bob: Well, the nurse warned her that the progesterone could cause wind, she just didn’t say it was uncontrollable wind!
Meredith: I know someone else who’s full of hot air….and last but not least, we have….is that…?
Bob: That’s right, Meredith! We have enormous breasts! Her breasts are swollen to be roughly the size of a junior Dolly Parton’s!
Meredith: Ooh! I was hoping to see the big breasties in the Macy’s Day Parade, what a great experience to see this sooner!
Bob: Whore.
Meredith: Fuck you.
Bob: Sure, the news van's just around the corner.
Posted by Vanessa at May 2, 2006 05:33 AM | TrackBackhah! well, hope the bloat goes down soon and you think of something distracting to do! hugs
Posted by: UtRus at May 2, 2006 11:44 PM"How would you know about periods, you fat balding petroleum bastard?"
Classic! Just classic. Still snickering.
Big hugs from me, too!
Posted by: caltechgirl at May 2, 2006 06:37 PMcrumpets trumpet?
I don't remember any trumpets coming from my crumpets.
Posted by: statia at May 2, 2006 06:18 PMThanks for the laugh.... there is nothing like trying to sort out the side effects.
Posted by: jenny at May 2, 2006 04:12 PMHeh. Just make sure those three hugs from Aidan that Margi has requested you get be from behind, with arms below the breasts but above the uterus. Lest he be stabbed with a pencil.
Posted by: amy t. at May 2, 2006 01:27 PMThat was hilarious. Thanks for the laugh. Hang in! I know it sucks. Thinking of you.
Posted by: donna at May 2, 2006 01:20 PMI'm sorry about the cramping and sore boobs and the gas. It'll all be worth it in the end, right? Good luck!
Posted by: EJW at May 2, 2006 11:37 AMAm thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts, the 2ww is alternatively the most exciting time ever, and the worst time of one's life! Be brave! We are all out here supporting you in the internet!
Posted by: Sarah at May 2, 2006 07:52 AMOh my. You know, that whole Excess Wind was one of my first preggo symptoms.
I love Meredith and Bob. In my head I hear them as "The white zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone." Airport Voices in my head.
I'm still sending all of my love and light to you, baby girl. Make Aiden hug you thrice for me today, please?
xoxo
Posted by: Margi at May 2, 2006 06:53 AM