August 24, 2006

I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday For an Ultrasound Today

Some of the symptoms are continuing-heightened sense of smell, headaches, and I get dizzy-I had to have my teeth checked for my yearly dental visit on Tuesday, and when I leaned back in the dental chair I had to put one foot on the ground, you know like you do when you're pretty drunk and you need the world to stop spinning? Only trust me-I hadn't been drinking.

In fact, I can't-not just because I'm knocked up (and the doctor here says an occasional glass is ok) but because the smell of alcohol makes me want to hurl. Lots of smells I can't take-salt and vinegar crisps, cheese and onion crisps and HP sauce are among them. The kids were eating those crisps in the car the other day and I wanted to fling them out (the crisps, not the kids).

I have severe food aversions-the other day Aidan asked if I wanted mushrooms on toast for lunch, which is usually a favorite of mine. This time, though, it got a distinctly negative reaction. I usually put salsa on loads of things, but right now I can't bear the idea of salsa in my house, let alone on my eggs. I'm drawn to super bland foods-last night we had fish fingers and boiled potatoes and I was in heaven.

To be honest, nothing sounds good at all, and when things do sound good, they sound good for about 4.2 seconds, and then I've moved on.

Some days are better than others. Sunday the symptoms were bad, yesterday was mostly ok. It comes in waves, and I never know how the day is going to be.

A little over a week now until my scan. I sometimes go a little crazy stressing about it all-What if it's dead? What if it's chemical? What if there's no heartbeat (see: what if it's dead)? And most of all: What if there's two in there?

I know twins may seem like not a big deal, but they're a very big deal in this house. Of all the worst case scenarios in all of the world, Aidan's worst case is "Twins". Mine is a little different, mine's more "I'm an old lady in a home and completely alone. And I have a colostomy bag. And they don't allow cats." But we all have to have our own worst case scenario, his is based on the stress and sheer scale of work involved with twins. We put two frozen embryos in at doctor advice, but Aidan is very worried, and the truth is, he's worried about our relationship-there have been mutterings along the lines of "good chance we won't make it if we have twins", which really freaks me out no end because I bob along under the certainty that it won't break us up and my boy? He's the universe to me.

So the hopes that next week's scan shows one baby, with one heartbeat and one fetal sac, are really high.

The truth is, I have been dreaming that there's only one. Or actually, I've been dreaming that there are two but one doesn't make it-so far the two embryos have shown up in one of my dreams as the funny images I call the Dr. Seuss babies (one alive, one wilted and gone), and in another dream they were naked pink possum babies (one alive, one expired).

But then this morning I woke up freaked out-I had been dreaming I was a teacher who was running late and showed up to teach the class in a pair of short shorts and a striped tank top (I KNOW. I'd never wear such Farrah Fawcett clothing to begin with, let alone teach in it). But then I dreamt I went to the toilet and peed and in the bowl I'd expelled the usual leftover beaver bullets. But as I looked down, the bowl filled with blood and blood clots and I started crying hysterically.

When I woke up, I felt racked with grief, but a dash to the toilet assured me that there was no blood, and the nausea hit me full on again.

Sometimes I'm so desperate to get an answer I feel like calling my GP and begging, but something tells me they wouldn't be able to do this kind of thing, and anyway I called the fertility clinic and asked them to move my scan up and they said they couldn't, there was no point-they don't move scans up before two weeks past a positive test as it could mean the embryo wasn't ready yet, which causes undue stress. I feel like a crack addict who needs a fix: Please, just shove one wand up my hooch, will you? Just once! PLEASE!

So here's to hoping that next week there's one healthy, heartbeating Dr. Seuss Baby.

Posted by Vanessa at August 24, 2006 07:38 AM | TrackBack

I hope Ms. Pru didn't mean she ate the applesauce and the feta cheese together. Now I feel like I want to hurl too.

Posted by: Donna at August 25, 2006 04:02 AM

Oh my god, fish sticks. *horks*

Posted by: statia at August 25, 2006 12:33 AM

Beaver bullets? lol
I've never heard that one before.
Good luck on the u/s. I've got my fingers and my toes crossed for you.

Posted by: Ice Queen at August 24, 2006 08:13 PM

I hope there's only one baby too, but no matter what, I hope you two are eventually okay with whatever happens. You and Aidan being strong together is the most important thing.

Posted by: Polichick at August 24, 2006 02:14 PM

Sometimes a week feels like a lifetime. Those food aversions sound crazy, I hope the SK's don't mind avoiding those crisps for a while.

Posted by: jenny at August 24, 2006 01:46 PM

This wait is almost as awful as the other 2ww, isn't it? I'm hoping that it turns out exactly how you want it.

Posted by: donna at August 24, 2006 12:57 PM

I lived on spaghetti with jarred tomato sauce for about two weeks. The only time I ever thought about puking was when I had to make a pork tenderloin for my visiting in-laws.

The perpetual 2 week wait sucks, huh? I hope all looks good (and singular) at the u/s.

Posted by: EJW at August 24, 2006 12:38 PM

In the early stages of my pregnancy I could only stomach applesauce and feta cheese. I never actually threw up, but the mere thought of any food but those two was enough to drive me to my bed for hours on end.

I hope the ultrasound brings you what you want. Good luck.

Posted by: MsPrufrock at August 24, 2006 10:23 AM