The nausea comes in waves-first thing in the morning, for most of the morning. Then all afternoon I am nausea-free, sitting around thinking: Nausea? Wanna' come back? It was reassuring that you were around, at least you're something. And nausea looks at me and says: Babe, you're not the kind of person I can leave. And so it comes back all evening.
This morning it was so bad that while driving back from the shops with my 9 year-old stepson, I nearly had to pull over, just to throw up.
The exhaustion comes in waves. The nausea come in waves. I wake up every morning with a headache (and it's not dehydration, as I'm drinking enough water to keep Moby Dick afloat.) I get light-headed and dizzy.
I'm either knocked up or I have the flu.
I've decided this. Knocked up or flu.
I nearly tested yesterday-I even had the cardboard box unwrapped and in my grubby hands-but Aidan feels that all it can lead to is depression-he feels it's too early for any conclusiveness, and should I be pregnant, the test is too early to tell.
I just wish I knew the answer.
We leave tomorrow morning for a three day visit to a place we all absolutely love in Wales. We're taking the dog, the remote control airplane, the cooler, the sunblock, and three pregnancy tests (you can never leave home with just one, right? Right?).
My test day is Wednesday. They don't do betas at my clinic, so I have the World's Most Sensitive Pregnancy Test, as given to me by the RE.
I will have my answer Wednesday, and I get to test again away from home.
Aidan and I were talking today in the kitchen, preparing lunch for the father and stepmother-in-law, and he said in a quiet voice, "I think you're pregnant."
I looked at him. "I didn't have these symptoms last time, and I'm sure they're not in my head."
So maybe I am pregnant. Or maybe it's the drugs. Possibly, it's the flu.
Either way, late next Wednesday I'll let you know. There's nothing I can do to influence things. I'll either be pregnant or I'll be a fucking asshole (well, I can be that sometimes anyway, but I mean I'll be a fucking asshole for feeling so positive when the Dr. Seuss embryos jumped ship a long time ago.)
See you late Wednesday.
Wish me luck.
Posted by Vanessa at August 12, 2006 04:40 PM | TrackBack*crosses everything* Wishing and hoping and praying for you.
Posted by: karmajenn at August 15, 2006 08:41 PMYou're so pregnant! :-)
Posted by: Polichick at August 15, 2006 02:40 AMAlways, always sending you love.
I finally pulled my head out of my own arse and my own misery and read about the dust-up on your other blog.
GEE WHIZ I'm sorry!! You know, if I de-linked or didn't read everyone I didn't agree with 100%, I wouldn't have anything to read -- AND the world would be much more dull.
Gosh, I'm sorry, dear.
I love you and I'm thinking of you. . .even when I'm feeling sorry for MYSELF.
xoxo
Posted by: Margi at August 14, 2006 05:17 PMI hope so! I'm sending all the vibes your way that I can. I can't wait until Wednesday!
Posted by: donna at August 14, 2006 02:38 PMWoohoo. Crossing fingers for you :-)
Posted by: bohemianlisa at August 14, 2006 08:39 AMSounds like you're knocked up, girlfriend. I know it's scary to get your hopes up, but if the only two choices are pregnancy or flu, let's just say it looks a lot more like one than the other from out here!
Keeping my fingers crossed and willing Wednesday to bring good news (and to come QUICKLY!)
Posted by: Zee at August 14, 2006 04:22 AMdarling, i am hoping so much for you and the Dr. Seuss baby!
Posted by: caltechgirl at August 14, 2006 04:19 AMGood luck.
Posted by: Lut C. at August 13, 2006 07:39 PMThe fact that Aidan feels something different eminating from you has real merit. I'm glad you will be in a place you love for the next few days.
Posted by: Donna at August 13, 2006 06:37 PMA poem from Emily Dickinson comes to mind:
"Hope" is the thing with feathers —
That perches in the soul —
And sings the tune without the words —
And never stops — at all —
****
The poem goes on to imply that the bird/Hope can weather fierce storms. I say, your hope is meaningful, your intuition and symptoms instructive, and you are awesome. Really holding good thoughts for you for the best outcome.
Yes, Vanessa. Bring on Wednesday.
Posted by: Meg at August 13, 2006 10:22 AMOh I do hope it worked and they're sticking!! I feel pretty good for you that you won't have to post "fucking asshole" on wednesday! I love Wales, I lived in the UK twice (near Reading) and actually found family in S. Wales of my mothers! Have a great time and I hope you can forget about the rest of your 2ww (with the exception of the morning sickness...lets hope that continues as its a positive sign!) I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!
Posted by: Lara at August 13, 2006 04:58 AMgood good good good good good good luck!
Posted by: a duck at August 13, 2006 04:44 AMWishing you all the luck in the world. I hope you have a great weekend away.
Posted by: jenny at August 13, 2006 02:05 AMWishing you so much luck that you are indeed knocked up!
Posted by: Heather at August 13, 2006 12:54 AMI'm wishing you a helluva lot more than just luck, babe. I'm wishing with every fiber of my being that the universe stops dicking around and finally gives you that big fat double-lined pee stick you so richly deserve.
Posted by: Ornery at August 12, 2006 07:42 PMAll the luck in the world to you!
Posted by: EJW at August 12, 2006 06:19 PMWishing you luck and much more. Will check in Wednesday. Enjoy Wales!
bises!
*hope hope hope*
Posted by: jenny (vegas) at August 12, 2006 05:20 PM