My mother rings on Saturday night, while we were at New Forest. I don't answer because my phone is on silent, but I wouldn't have answered anyway. We stopped being close some years ago, it's better this way. If the scent of disfunction is too strong for you at this, I understand. It's too strong for me, too.
A scathing voice mail remains, and I dial it in and play it on speaker with Aidan. The beginning is vitriol, it always is. She goes off on a tangent of martyrdom, and then drops the bomb.
My sister had her baby May 7.
She had her baby 5 days before we got our negative.
The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.
I know it is the norm to be happy to be an Auntie. I know that society dictates excitement and joy. I know that I should flog my karma and send massive gifts. Only we haven't spoken in over a year, and that's not going to change.
She is the golden child. Lives around the corner from Mom. Had her college, her home, and her car bought for her by Mom and Dad, while I went over 20k in debt for schooling alone. She's always had it all, and always will do. That includes the love and dotage of my family, because, you know, I've always been some form of nefarious.
We have nothing to say to each other anymore. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy, and for the most part, I'm there. My only struggle is with envy, and that I have spades of, to hell with the Seven Deadly Sins.
It sends me into a blind tailspin, in a day where, ironically, I was already struggling with sudden feelings of panic, of "what am I going to do if it never happens for me?" feelings. The kind of things that convince you that you can do IVF as many times as it takes, you can get on adoption rosters, you can do anything to fight the feeling that you have-that you may die alone, and cold, and never having had a child.
My mother told me to ring her if I wanted more details. She didn't say the sex or the name, but she didn't have to-something in my stomach tells me it is a girl. This is how it happens. The cycles, they don't get broken.
Mistakes just keep getting made, generation after generation.
Suffice to say, I am not remotely interested in ringing her back.
I've checked out of myself, and am living as a whiter shade of pale. My period should allegedly be next week, and if the zits on my face are any indication, then PMS is here. I just try to focus on that, to keep my eye on the FET ball, because if I look anywhere else I am in danger of falling down.
Posted by Vanessa at May 28, 2006 07:29 PM | TrackBackI really, really hate how one contact from "them" (and that's how I see it in my mind) sends you scurrying back to doubt. You are a wonderful, WORTHY human being, dear.
Jon can fucking bite me. . .as can anyone who makes you feel like shit.
I love you,
Posted by: Margi at May 30, 2006 09:37 PMYou have a wonderful family that you have made FOR YOURSELF with your darling boy and his kids and your kitties and the puppy. To hell with them if they're only interested in shoving their sh*t in your face. That kind of crap doesn't even merit a response.
They're the ones missing out, you know.
Posted by: caltechgirl at May 30, 2006 07:53 PM"Ok, I am one who goes between the two sites also; however, I am not a nasty evil prick." Ditto that!
This - I was already struggling with sudden feelings of panic, of "what am I going to do if it never happens for me?" - oh, God, yes, I know how that feels. I hate that it's a feeling others know well too.
Posted by: Polichick at May 30, 2006 01:20 PMOk, I am one who goes between the two sites also; however, I am not a nasty evil prick. Geesh. what was with that guy? It is good that you are taking care of yourself and not taking any crap off your Mother. It sounds like she has more issues than "National Geographic". I'm proud of you that you didn't call her back, and perhaps it is time for you to change your number. There is no need for such blatant negativity and codependency. You have a lovely partner, 2 great stepkids, and assorted animals that love you very much. You have a good relationship with your father. Many people have far less. She is the one who will have the loss should you choose not to share your life with her.
Dear, you must send me the original. I totally missed it.
I do love the cheese route you took with that though.
Posted by: statia at May 29, 2006 08:40 PMI hope the last commentor is a friend and his comments are welcome cause they seem pretty harsh to me. I have my own reasons for feeling that karma may have kept my cycle from working, but that's my business - not for other people to assume and make guesses.
I am sorry about your family and the way they treat you. I have a pretty messed up family too so the disfunction isn't too much for me.
Posted by: jenny at May 29, 2006 03:10 PMDoes your clinic know how amazing Stilton on toast is? Did you hide that?
As the parent of someone with lactose intolerance, I would want to know if my unborn would have that problem. The sneaking into the cheese cupboard- which is a common trait of the cheese-lover, where you can't trust them with the gorgonzola. Ever. The depression, the pain of being apart from dairy goodness. The ethical thing would have been to give them the option to not take your eggs, since this thread of cheese-loving is so strong.
This must be the mistake you mean. And this must be my karma, to be a complete and utter toxic butt monkey.
(author's update-I'm not bipolar, Jon. Thanks for paying attention and travelling between my two sites. My problems aren't genetic and not inheritable in the slightest (and I have that in writing). Any children I biologically produce won't be burdened with my problems, unless the donated eggs' parents are real nutters, in which case I will somehow feel responsible. Because you are such an asshole, I've taken the liberty of altering your comment to my personal satisfaction.
Oh, and I've banned you-on both sites. Now go fuck off and play in some traffic.)
Posted by: Jon at May 29, 2006 02:26 PMSorry that you've got such a difficult family situation to deal with, it must be very stressful. I'm glad that your husband really supports you in dealing with it in the best way possible for you.
Posted by: thalia at May 29, 2006 01:32 PMhmm...the endless epic saga of family... fun isn't it?
Posted by: Meg at May 29, 2006 11:09 AM