Twisted Ovaries

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

There's something about me that screams of being a kid. My desk is littered with toys-a stuffed turtle, a dancing i-Dog, my Family Guy action figures, a frog that dances when he's turned on. I've always been big on toys, on childhood films. Disney is something to be revered, Pixar is something that should be adored and protected. Things that make me laugh is something that is likely to get purchased as I love to delight in things that don't make sense in the real world.

On the plane back from New Zealand earlier this week they showed the film Chicken Little, which I watched four times. That's right-four times. I thought it was hilarious and fantastic, and not just because I nurse a nice crush on Zach Braff (which I do, as my heart always goes for the geeky guys you expect to tumble and fall).

I've always been a bit of a kid at heart and sometimes I worry it's because I am so screwed up. After being diagnosed with a disorder that means I have stunted emotions, emotions that have been fucked up and caught in a jar and locked away for most of my life, I worry that I like things that make me laugh because a part of me still is a kid. What do I do if that is the case?

I asked my therapist about this before we went on holiday. Sitting there across from him, we talked about the fact that sometimes my emotions catch me out. Like a kid, sometimes it takes me some time before I work out how I feel about things because I have spent my life running from feelings-more often than not, things hurt so it's just easier to close it all off.

I look up at him. "You know we're going to start IVF soon" I say softly.

He nods.

"What....what happens if I'm not any good at it? What do I do? I didn't exactly have the model childhood, and I didn't have the model parents. What happens...I mean...how do I keep from being like that? All I want to do is do this right, all I want is to give my child a childhood that is completely different from the one I had? What happens if I'm no good at this?"

He smiles kindly. He is only kind. He has never been anything but kind, although I know part of the process will be hard and he may turn unkind when he'll need to be. "Vanessa, I think you're going to be ok. The fact that you're here and trying to work through all of this is a sign that you know you can't keep going in life like this. That you're worried about being a good mother and worried about breaking the cycle that has been in your family for so long is actually a good sign." He leans forward. "I would be concerned if you weren't worried about this."

And so I smile and think about the road ahead.

And I wonder when I can get Chicken Little on DVD.

Posted by Vanessa at March 17, 2006 07:49 AM | TrackBack