February 24, 2006

An Open Bottle is a Metaphor For Something....

I met with two of my neighbors last night, two strong and lovely ladies that have also been trying for many years to have children.

Both of them are older than I.

Both of them have given up.

I met these two (Billie and Lana) when I lived as a neighbor in a terrace that they live in. Now that I live across the street, I see them less than I used to, but I still love seeing them. They tell me that I am part of the core team, that of all the ladies that circle in and out of our lives the times that we meet up as the three of us are the most fun, and it amazes me that I can be part of something.

I am used to being alone, to fighting my own battles, to soothing my own wounds.

We meet up at a local bar and order a bottle of wine. Once the chenin blanc is opened, the talk starts. It turns out the two of them were worried about me, and wanted to see how I am.

"You go underground," Billie, a veteran of 5 IVF rounds, says softly. "You're so giving and kind and funny but you have all of these defences. I just wanted to find out if you're ok."

And I sigh deeply and start talking, finding that once the bottle of wine is opened and I'm around two women who have been there, done that, so can I also let it out. I tell them of the upcoming cycle. I tell them of the bombshell of my sister's pregnancy and the severely fucked up delivery of the news. I tell them that the crack between me and my family is now a canyon, and all of us have walked away from the ledge, looking for a space for the soul.

I don't have to tell them of my hundred thousand hopes that IVF will work, because they already know.

"You have to just move on," Billie says. "Everyone gets pregnant around us but us. This is how it is."

"True," I say. I think of everyone I work with having babies, of people I meet in the pharmacy that are pregnant, heck even my massage therapist is pregnant. "And for the most part, I'm ok with it. Sure, maybe I feel a twinge of envy or sadness, but I'm ok with it." I look up at them both. "But we all have One Person...One Person who it hurts more than anything to know that they can have the one thing we want most. One Person, whose news shatters your heart."

Billie tears up. "It's true. I had One Person."

Lana clears her throat. "I had One Person, too. I know what you're talking about."

I look up. "I know if I do get pregnant that you may feel strange, and if I don't hear from you then I'll understand."

"Shut up and don't talk ridiculous nonsense," Billie replies perfunctly, and I know that's Billie talk for "no chance".

We talk on, and the two of them share how they feel now. That they now feel their lives are too hectic, too stressed to have children, that now that they have given up on that hope, they can't imagine life if they did have kids. Things turned out better this way, they say.

And then they admit it's a defense mechanism.

And we all tear up together, three women who can't have kids, over a bottle of wine and three sets of broken fallopian tubes and shattered dreams.

PS-Statia has suggested the name Infertile Bitches for anyone going through IVF in March-April-May, and I think it's a good name. Any seconds?

Posted by Vanessa at February 24, 2006 07:24 PM | TrackBack
Comments

Love the name...so appropriately describes each and every one of us!

Your two friends sound like amazing, beautiful women. I hope you continue to remain close with them, and that the three of you can continue to provide each other with emotional support and many much-needed hugs.

Posted by: Ornery at February 26, 2006 03:21 AM

I could have been sitting at that table with you three...I've also given up and for the most part have myself convinced that it was "better" that it never happened and my life is fine as it is, blah blah blah. The pain and loss will always be with me, and that's just a fact I have to live with. You, Vanessa, are not there yet.

Posted by: Donna at February 25, 2006 10:03 PM

I'm in, infertile bitches it is.

Posted by: Jenny at February 25, 2006 06:42 PM

Do I count as an Infertile Bitch if I am just going through IUI right now? I still take crazy drugs and inject myself nightly. Please please please please???? :)

Posted by: donna at February 25, 2006 03:20 AM

Caltechgirl-Absolutely!

The more supporters, the better :)

Posted by: Vanessa at February 25, 2006 12:10 AM

can the rest of us be the Bitch Supporters?

Posted by: caltechgirl at February 24, 2006 11:45 PM

My One Person is married to my and my husband's best (guy) friend. She got pregnant "accidentally" when they were dating, right around the time we started trying. I am extremely bitter towards her, although part of that is that she basically train-wrecked this great guy's life. Their kid is about 20 months now and they are trying for #2. I just know that she'll have baby #2 before I get to have one. The hissy fit when I find out is going to shake the world, I suspect.

She's just some dumb woman who used the age-old trick to trap a guy. Why does it bother me so much? I absolutely can't get past her. I think that part of it is tied up with my irrational belief that there's logic to this world, that being in a secure relationship and being emotionally and financially prepared for a child makes you deserving of one. I am those things and I can't get pregnant, while she's the poster child for irresponsible sex.

Posted by: EJW at February 24, 2006 08:46 PM

You'll always be one of my infertile bitches, no matter what.

Posted by: statia at February 24, 2006 08:38 PM