Aidan's kids were here this weekend, his nearly 14 year-old daughter and son, who turns 9 in a few weeks. They're good kids-they can drive you a little crazy when they're cranky and tired, but then again adults can drive you crazy when they're cranky and tired, and they're very good at bopping along for the ride and entertaining themselves.
I asked Aidan this weekend if we should have a pre-talk with the kids, to sound out how they might feel about another family member. He thought about it then decided that it's better to wait. We didn't know how long it might be until we are expecting, he said-maybe three months, maybe three years (I absolutely loved him for being positive about the situation, about when-not if-we would be expecting, and that it would happen eventually.)
Aidan says he doesn't actually think they'll respond badly to the idea. They both had a hard time with their parents' divorce, and there are still lingering issues there that require lots of tiptoeing and careful treading. Aidan is so careful to always let them know how much he loves them and how important they are to him that I agree with him-I don't think they have any doubt about how cemented in their father's heart they are.
I think that talking to them will be difficult, not because they're hard to talk to but because it's so fraught a subject. What's extremely important to me is that at no time do they ever feel like the leftovers, the unwanted children, or second best. While having a long hot bath I think of ways-perhaps optimistic thinking, but then I am never optimistic so I'll take it when it comes-of how to talk to them about it if we are lucky enough to have a baby, and what arrangements to make.
When my mother found out she was expecting my sister, she presented me with a fluffy beige gorilla with a sign around his neck that read "Tubby Loves You". Tubby became my companion, my compadre, my little guy when I was feeling insecure (which was often). Tubby lingers in storage in Stockholm, but we hope to bring our possessions over in the next few months, so Tubby will take a place on a shelf, a reminder that security is only a beige gorilla away.
I imagine something similar. That we give them something physical to hold on to, as well as constant and iterative love and support. I imagine planning family holidays that focus on every member of the family at any time, I imagine lots of talks and assurances and cuddles. Maybe I'm going overboard, but the idea that anyone could feel unhappy, insecure, or unloved makes me go wild with worry.
I guess I know how it feels to be cast aside.
I would never, ever do that to a child and I (we) will fight for any child that ever feels that way. I think and hope his kids won't feel that way, but I know that he and I will do everything we can to make them happy, to show them just how important they are to us both.
Posted by Vanessa at January 30, 2006 09:18 AM | TrackBackI think that for you, if preparing the kids first feels right than that is what you should do. It will give them time to warm up to the idea. I have not told my stepchildren, but I also know they are in favor of us having a baby so it will be an easy topic.
It is so important to think of their feelings as well. Being a step-mom complicates the whole thing a bit. I'm doing the same thing you are, trying my best and hoping it all turns out with everyone happy.