September 05, 2006

Moving On

Hi-I've moved off of and onto typepad.

You can find my blog here.

It's still being worked on, but only when we both feel like it.

I am going to try to get the re-directed to there, but in the meantime, I'm now on typepad.

Posted by Vanessa at 09:17 AM | TrackBack

September 03, 2006

The End of the Beginning

The bleeding is (finally) nearly done.

It's true that my breasts went down in size overnight, but the hcg still wrecked havoc on me for several days, meaning that I was still nauseaous. That too has now passed.

I had the classical symptoms of pregnancy-heightened sense of smell, nausea, exhaustion, night sweats, larger breasts, and the frequent need to pee (due to the kidneys working overtime, not due to heavy baby on bladder).

I have just had all of the classic signs of miscarriage-fading pregnancy symptoms, bleeding and/or passing of tissue or blood clots, and period-like cramps.

There are other side effects of miscarriage that they don't talk about. Your face breaks out, and it does it badly. I had more spots on my chin that I did in my entire teenage life.

The bleeding isn't just "a little bit of blood"-I bled and bled and bled. Blood clots and tissue came out at various times and here's something they also don't tell you-it doesn't smell good. You get the indignation of not only bleeding out that "perfect lining" you worked so hard to build up, but you are also a walking personal disgrace. I'm a neat freak and I wasn't remotely happy that the stuff coming out didn't smell nice (a common side effect, my RE said. Funny how no web pages talk about that.)

The cramps, too, aren't period cramps. I'm a tough chick when it comes to pain (but I often have bad period cramps severe enough to send me running for the hardcore ibuprofen). These cramps beat those cramps without question-the only time I've ever felt worse than what I just had was on my very first IVF cycle, I had what was recently diagnosed a mild case of OHSS. Then, even walking was an agony worthy of screaming crying jags. The miscarriage cramps were not the blue ribbon winner of cramps but came second worst in history, equivalent to the cramps I had after egg retrieval this last time, where they gave me pethidine. One week ago today I was still potentially viably pregnant, so all I could take was paracetamol and curl up and breathe through my mouth as each cramp came and went.

The bleeding was constant but, for the first time in my life, managed with regular or lite tampons. My insides though are so incredibly sore that often I resorted to pads because I simply couldn't bear the agony of the tampon applicator.

In short, this has been the worst experience of my life so far.

I read other blogs where the bloggers can't wait to finish miscarrying so they can get started on their next cycle. I can't wait to finish simply because I want the symptoms to all go away. My next cycle is (period dependent) end of the year-the RE wants me to have two periods and I think that's imminently sensible, too. I need time to not only recover but to emotionally prepare myself.

I also know other bloggers seem to have a great sense of humor about miscarrying, but I'm struggling with it.

Tuesday on that horrible drive home, Aidan asked me what I wanted. I sat there and thought before replying: "I want unpasteurized cheese. With a side of uncooked shellfish."

He looked over at me. "Undercooked eggs on the side?"

"Yes please. And some pâté."

We laughed. And then I cried. And when he went to the shops to get food, I had-for the first time in a month-written down something I wanted.

He bought me chocolate chip cookies.

He did not bring home the other thing I had on the list-"Mind Altering Drugs".

Friday we broke open the champagne and celebrated the end of the worst week of our lives, and the end of August 2006-a month of startling highs and stunning lows.

The truth is, I do feel pretty positive about cycling again. While I'd hate to hear it from others, the good news is that I am indeed able to get pregnant and stay pregnant-true, we miscarried but the RE said it's most likely I miscarried because there was something genetically wrong with the child, not because I'd done something wrong and not because my body couldn't manage it (the u/s where we saw the one embryo also looked good, so I feel reasonably ok about that.)

What I do worry about is the 2ww + 2 weeks before scan next time. I have a feeling I'm going to be supremely worried.

I don't ever want to feel like this again.

I suppose what gets me most of all is the fact that everything I dreamt came true. I dreamt of positive pregnancy tests and I got them. I dreamt of one implanting and I got that too. Then I dreamt of a toilet bowl full of blood-a toilet in a public place I had never seen before-and a week later I got that, too. It was exactly as I had seen it in my dream, and when I saw it I freaked out in the hospital and started sobbing and shaking.

Everyone looked at me like I was crazy.

And then two nights ago I dreamt I took a pregnancy test. It was one I hadn't seen before, it was some kind of test that showed a "+" in a window, and the + comes up in pink? Rings any bells, or just my imagination? Anyway, the + has one line that's a control line, and the other part of the +, if it appears, means a positive result (is this a real test or should I up my dosage?). In my dream, the line was faint but it was there-there was a positive pregnancy.

Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't.

I still cry a lot, but at least I am trying to look forward-but most IF and pregnancy sites are far too hard to deal with and at least one blogger has been stricken off, so don't be angry if I'm not around for a while.

It's called, ironically, baby steps.

-PS-I am trying to move my site. I have a new domain set up but it's not ready yet. When it's moved, it will be here.

Posted by Vanessa at 08:16 AM | Comments (13) | TrackBack