August 17, 2006

How The Story Goes

If anyone had ever told me that two hours after receiving the positive pregnancy test I'd been dreaming of that I'd be hiking through Welsh hills trying to not step in sheep shit, I'd throw my script at them and shout: This is not in the Hollywood scripts! This does not happen this way! Queue the violins! There should be snuggles and lots of patting of my stomach from the man while I swan about in my pink chiffon robe WITH the feather trim!

Instead, I hiked around Welsh hills in shoes that got wet, and whose wet purple inner lining came off on my feet so that I now look like I am facing a pretty severe case of frostbite (I saw people looking at my indigo stained toes later in the day yesterday as I walked around in my flip-flops. I wanted to look at them and say: Dude, Everest? Not such a cake walk after all.)

But there you have it.

The night before I was really stressed. I still had strange symptoms-nausea, vomiting, headaches, light-headedness, and the unfortunate gift of an uber-sense of smell (not something you want in an environment that includes farms and sea-soaked dog riding in the car). I felt cramps inside and was convinced my period was coming.

Tuesday night I fell asleep around midnight.

And all night long, I dreamt about testing and it coming out positive. Every single time I woke up, having just dreamt about a positive pregnancy test, I'd go back to sleep and start a new dream which would inevitably wind up with me urinating all over a home pregnancy test all over again, and celebrating the positive.

When I woke at 6 am, I sat up and thought: Right. I'm going to go take my positive home pregnancy test now.

So I went to the toilet and got out the tests-one was the Super Sensitive Home Pregnancy Test, one a First Response Early Detection. I peed in the little cup for the Sensitive One, then dropped three drops into the indicated area (as noted by the "splash guard" marks. Nice.) I also took down the First Response one.

The control lines came up quickly-blue control one on the Sensitive one, a bright pink control line on the First Response test.

As did the pregnancy lines-bright pink on Sensitive and a paler pink on First Response.

I burst into tears and stumbled from the bathroom into our bedroom. Gasping and crying, I woke up Aidan and told him the news. I brought him the tests. He confirmed that there were most definitely lines on both tests.

We went back to sleep for about an hour, then it was time to walk the dog, have breakfast, and pack up and head home from the Welsh holiday.

And I still can't believe it, but somehow it's real. Dr. Seuss baby took. And dear Jesus, please let it be just Dr. Seuss baby and not Dr. Seuss babies. Aidan is really nervous they both took as twins are his big fear. I don't want twins either, but am less concerned about it than Aidan-somehow, I am really calm and relatively sure that it's just the one in there.

I don't know why I think that.

But I don't know why I just thought the test would be positive, either.

I don't get to have my first scan for nearly three weeks, which feels like fucking forever to me. When we do get to go, there should be both a fetal sac and a heartbeat. I'm not worried about an ectopic pregnancy as I have no tubes. And somehow I'm not that worried that it's a chemical pregnancy as I had all the classic symptoms of implantation.

I'm just kinda' calm right now.

I feel like I'm lucid dreaming-my IVF cycle has worked and I both can and cannot believe it.

But lots of things can go wrong, and I am still facing the miscarriage statistics, which are something like 10-20%. Those stats are enough to keep me quiet and concerned. We will tell people about this if/when we get to the second trimester, so if you do come to my other blog please, please don't mention this on there-people in my "real life" see that blog and apparently read the comments, and I just don't want to tell them about this right now.

In the meantime, I take stock in the fact that I'm up the duff.

Because I am.

positive tests


I'm pregnant.

Posted by Vanessa at August 17, 2006 06:12 AM | TrackBack


Posted by: Lyrehca at August 20, 2006 12:07 PM

Happy, happy, joy,joy! Love every minute of it!

Posted by: sophie at August 19, 2006 03:09 PM

Hi -- I followed the link from 'Nilla's blog and wanted to say 'congrats' on the good news!

There's a rash of BFPs in the blogosphere and I am so happy to read about the good news. It gives me hope that there are happy endings.

Good luck on your first scan, and I hope you get (more) great news!

Posted by: Watson at August 18, 2006 10:57 PM

am so very thrilled for you...
but you already knew that :)

Posted by: stinkerbell at August 18, 2006 03:00 PM

Just popped in to see how you were doing. I'm so pleased to see the news! Congratulations my friend.

Posted by: Message in a bottle at August 18, 2006 12:27 PM

Wonderful. Congratulations to the youngest member of your family.

Posted by: Foggy at August 18, 2006 11:14 AM

Many congratulations vanessa, long may it continue! (the pregnancy, not the purple feet!)

Posted by: thali at August 18, 2006 09:45 AM

COngratulations-- and if you have spare of whatever is flying around the blog world. I would love some. :) Seriously-- I found your blog a few days ago-- and congrat's!

Posted by: Melissa at August 18, 2006 06:00 AM

What beautiful, wonderful tests... and I love the way you've described the surreal feeling of early pregnancy.

So happy for you - congratulations!

Posted by: Rachel at August 18, 2006 01:14 AM

As they say in the UK: BRILLIANT! I'm so very happy for you.

Posted by: Donna at August 17, 2006 11:06 PM

And all the small things that made this day hell just flew out the window on the wings of a giant, smiling stork.

I'm so happy for you. So very, very happy for you. You are one amazingly strong woman, my friend. Congratulations!

Posted by: Jennifer at August 17, 2006 10:17 PM

Wonderful, glorious news.

I'm very happy for you!

Posted by: Beth at August 17, 2006 06:36 PM

I had the same thing happen to me. After almost a year of trying to get pregnant, I suddenly started dreaming about positive tests. Lo and behold, my weird dreams are now a 6 month old baby. Good luck!

Posted by: Alisa at August 17, 2006 06:31 PM

Oh sweetie. I'm so so soo happy for you.

And this?

"somehow, I am really calm and relatively sure that it's just the one in there.

I don't know why I think that.

Call it mother's intuition.


I, too, lived quietly until the second trimester. As quietly as I could, that is. I feel so very positive that things are going to be wonderful -- I can't tell you why I think THAT. Just do.

I will continue to send my love and prayers across the pond to you and your lovely Aidan.

You have often made me cry with your words -- but those last three at the end of this post?

Crying. Buckets.


Posted by: Just Me at August 17, 2006 04:17 PM

Holla!! What a lucky set of cells! Congratulations and best wishes. JC

Posted by: jen at August 17, 2006 03:08 PM

Ditto what Ms. Pants said.

Posted by: statia at August 17, 2006 02:32 PM

It all comes 'round. You said you were the fertility charm for everyone else. Eventually it had to come back 'round to you. I mean, you spend the most time around yourself!

I'm thrilled for you, darling! I send you vibes and vibes and vibes. (All the vibes you want! Woo!) xxx

Posted by: Ms. Pants at August 17, 2006 02:23 PM

It is a sureal feeling. I am just so damn happy for you.

Posted by: jenny at August 17, 2006 02:21 PM

Hoorah! I am so happy for you! Sending big hugs your way!

Posted by: donna at August 17, 2006 01:13 PM

Hoorah! I am so happy for you! Sending big hugs your way!

Posted by: donna at August 17, 2006 01:12 PM

Lovely! I do so hope that everything goes smoothly and uneeventfully until what? next April? Congrats!

Posted by: EJW at August 17, 2006 12:47 PM

Holy SHIT Vanessa, I couldn't be happier. Congratulations! Here's wishing you bright and happy things...and only ONE baby at a time!

Posted by: wn at August 17, 2006 12:41 PM

Sending you a huge virtual hug. I'm going to be sending all my positive energy across the ocean to help ensure that everything goes well.

Posted by: mina wolf at August 17, 2006 12:29 PM

Congratulations! I am so happy for you.

Posted by: Teri at August 17, 2006 12:27 PM

See, see, see. That's what hope brings you! :-) Darling, congrats!

Posted by: Lisa at August 17, 2006 11:04 AM

HURRAH VANESSA!!! That is awesome news!!! Course, I so knew it... All those classic symptoms...

Yay, it's excellent!

Posted by: Meg at August 17, 2006 08:41 AM

A shame I can't meet you in London for champagne now ;)

Posted by: April at August 17, 2006 06:44 AM

OK, well keeping the fingers and toes crossed for you still. But SOOOOO happy for you and Aidan. ~hugs~

Posted by: Mia at August 17, 2006 06:31 AM