So I'm packing pre-babies now. The insides are feeling very swollen now, and one of our cats, when jumping on my lap after doing a half-pike double twist, elicited a scream from me that had her shooting out of the living room at speeds only Chuck Yeager has experienced. Yes. I hurt that much.
And it's a week to go.
I've got other side effects as well-it's Aidan's birthday and that generally includes a round of sex, only sex really doesn't cross my mind as I'm pretty uncomfortable (and it's not just because it's his birthday. It's been 5 days since we had it, and normally we are not that prone to dry spells.)
I am bloated. It could, of course, have to do with all of the water I am sucking down. I'm nursing a full-on addiction to the stuff right now, as I've found with the medications I'm on if I don't drink lots of water I get headaches that are so bad I have license to kill people who are even breathing too loud.
I have wind. And it's sudden stalker-kind of wind. There's something about the medication that has rendered my anal passage entirely beyond my control, I can't even do the old sphincter-tighten-and-absorb routine. The farts, they come and they do not listen to me. I was in a garden center on Saturday and I bent down to look at an apple tree sapling. On my way down I ripped one wide open.
In front of a family of 5.
They regarded me with horror, rather like the emotion I was feeling.
What do you say? "Gee, I'm not normally on the baked beans but I just couldn't help it last night"? Or "I'm cycling in IVF right now, and the shots are beyond my control, I'm very sorry"? Or "Whhooooo-eeeeee! I give that one a 7 out of 10, whatya' say?"
In the end, I said nothing. I just fled with a face redder than the tulips on sale for 10 for £2.99.
The final most horrible part is my knickers look like I am breeding a snail farm in there. The thick uterine lining results in a side effect in that it looks like I am either permanently turned on or that I used my panties to blow my nose and then put them back on. I have to change pants a few times a day, or else I gross myself out so much I wonder if I should cauterize myself shut.
I just don't get much sexier than this.
Posted by Vanessa at April 20, 2006 06:30 AM | TrackBackI'm very jealous of those 14. Glad to hear that things are going so well, I think the flatulence is quite manageable, considering!
Posted by: thalia at April 21, 2006 08:01 PMgdamn girl, don't make me laugh like, I'm too swollen right now for that crap.
If I makes you feel any better, I honestly can't tell you the last time we had sex. At least pre-gonal and that's 2 weeks.
Pre-babies, stalker wind, pussy boogers...I am amazed by all the new vocabulary I learn when I read your blog!
And your story about hormone-induced mega-flatulence? I'm loving it AND living it even as I type!
Posted by: Ornery at April 20, 2006 10:42 PMWe call that pussy boogers my dear.
Just don't wear a short skirt and no underwear.
Posted by: statia at April 20, 2006 08:39 PMOMG that was hilarious!! between the farts and the CM, i am laughing my butt off over here.
and by the way, i vote for "Whhooooo-eeeeee! I give that one a 7 out of 10, whatya' say?"
you go girl!!
Posted by: UtRus at April 20, 2006 07:52 PMI'm sorry, but I'm laughing my butt off over here.
I'm so glad to see you still have your sense of humor, honey.
And I would have asked for a Fart Rating from that family o' five. ;)
Posted by: Margi at April 20, 2006 04:54 PMHang in there!
Posted by: caltechgirl at April 20, 2006 04:49 PMOK, I'm not sure if this will make you feel better or worse, but at nine weeks pregnant, I am having many of the same symptoms you are. Gas is terrible. And the panties? Yes, it's disgusting. I've been wearing pantyliners for the past two weeks.
Oh and no sex for me, but mainly because if I get jiggled around too much I want to barf, and sex is no fun if you can't get jiggled around much.
Hang in! You are almost there!
Posted by: donna at April 20, 2006 01:11 PM