Twisted Ovaries

I'm Going Over in a Barrel

The period started on Saturday which was, amazingly, 28 days since my last one. I am not a 28 days kind of girl. The only thing 28 days means to me is a freaky film or the amount of time a stint in rehab will set you back. 28 days and I, we are foreigners. Now 24 days, we know each other well.

So the period started. I remembered my nurse told me that the period "may be slightly heavier than normal." What she failed to tell me was that it would be like Niagara Falls, and that I would need a barrel to staunch the incredible hemorrhaging that would be my period. I think I've been exsanguinated. Nice.

At one point I was going through the super-heavy-ultimate-maximum-plus (think about your favorite pair of jeans rolled into a ball. Now wrap a thick fleece sweater over that and roll it up and stuff it up your crotch. That's how big one of these tampons is.) every 45 minutes. That's right. Every 45 minutes I had soaked the super-soaker.

Thank God the period is drawing to a close in the next day or two. If I get pregnant, I'm having a C-section because at this point the beaver chute is just too raw to get a being out of, I just won't have it.